I had thought a lot about this over the past week or so regarding what to write. Yet I don't know how to go about with this, there is so much to say but I am still staring at an empty page and a blinking cursor.
I had a small list of plans (mostly involving Thor Bro and Scarlet Witch), but your are not the same person who enjoys silly pranks. You are a mature and focused women now and I respect that. Most importantly, I have things to say and this is the only place where I can speak freely.
I hope you find this because like last year I am not going ask you to read it, I know you are busy, or you may have other plans for your birthday. If you are here because you remember, then thank you so much. If you are here because future me complains to you about forgetting and guilt trips you, then I am really sorry.
Since you are here, please don't see this on phone. I tried to make it look good on phone but I don't know much HTML coding for that.
This is the last post on this blog and I hope you will read this, it's quite long.
Dear Miss Changhode,
You have absolutely no idea the kind of influence your existence has on me. When I look back last 7 years the only thing that had any relevance in my life was you. So much so that it is difficult for me to believe that I had a life before 2017 where the words "Miss Changhode" meant nothing. What is even more strange is the fact that I've been with you in person for only a year.
You have absolutely no idea how happy I felt when you send that mail titled "Atisarga to Pretentious Nobody" on 22-06-2019. No one has ever put so much effort for me. On 09-08-2019 morning we were pranking each other by sending deleted messages, you SMSed me so in return I emailed you that 'Oh really Baby pic' to which you replied "Really... that was awesome, see I am smart ..I have chosen smart best friend and you are a duffer...my best friend can mail also" It was the first time since I was in 8th std that someone called me their best friend. I know that unlike me you are a very popular person and has lot of friends and yet to choose me as a best friend felt like a huge honour. I remember leaving flat that morning to office, I was listening to a song by band called Machine Head on the way, the song was about religious hypocrisies and a call for revolution but I was just so happy, my feet was not touching the ground. You won't understand, that was huge for me, to know that I meant something to someone. Since then I've been there for your ups and downs and I felt I have someone to care for.
Why I am I telling you all of this ?, because I miss everything. You know, there was a time why I used to feel really sad when I open Whatsapp and had to scroll down to see you, now I am kind of used to it. You may think 'Joel is good person...he helps a lot', no I am not a good person, it's just that doing things for you makes me happy and sometimes it hurts when you say 'don't put so much efforts'. You know whenever you come to Delhi for one episode per season like Doug Judy, Jake is more sad than happy because after you leave his life becomes a mess for a while, he knows that. It takes some days for things to get back to normal. Its like in Kerala the whole sky turns grey, filled with clouds but it never rains, it takes a while for sunshine to appear. Often I feel I rather not see you because I know what will follow. In fact I'm fucking jealous your professors, students, colleagues, roommates who gets to see you everyday (first time using f word in my life). Sorry if I went too far, its not your fault, you have made your best to keep in touch with me. Its always you who have called, always the first to ask what's going on. It's just that there is nothing going on in my life, its just emptiness, I don't know what to say and when you speak about your life sometimes I get sad because I am not there in those stories. It's just that I am still at the same place where you left me in Warangal. I haven't moved on since.
Why I am I telling you all of this now ?, because I need a closure of some sort, don't know if it is even possible. This has become unhealthy, it's painful for me, sometimes even literally. I sometimes have arguments with myself saying 'she is just a person like everyone else'. I was living inside my small little bubble before I met you, you showed me a whole new world and now I am alone in it. My ship has been kept anchored ever since, I have to put up the sail at some point and go somewhere.
Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened in my life. I never knew that someone could be so important to me. I am really proud where you are at this point in your life, you are an amazing person, you have the power to change people's lives. The only advice I want to give you is to never underestimate yourself, just look around, there is no one better than you. Everything will fall in place. You used to tell 'ache logo ke saath ache hi hota hai' and it's true. You will definitely find some one who understands how blessed he is to be be with you, just be patient. I hope we remain friends forever, I hope your kids and my kids will meet at some college and become best friends.
This will be the last post on this blog, it feels so emotional writing the last few words, but I have to let this go at some point. I have to start letting go of some more things as well, it's hard for me, but I have to start trying. I know this isn't the birthday wish you expected. I've just been writing about myself. Let me bore you one last time with some lines from the song "Fiction" by Avenged Sevenfold, I feel those lines were written exactly for this moment and I am listening to it a lot lately.
"Gave you all I had to give
Found a place for me to rest my head
While I may be hard to find
Heard there's peace just on the other side"
I apologize if you found this post cringe or if it made you cry. I apologize if you delayed any birthday plans just so that you can read this at 12:00 am. But then I don't even know if you will even remember to read this. I don't want to burden you, you don't owe me anything, you don't have to do anything for me. You just keep on smiling, that's all I care.
Wishing you all the happiness that life can give.
Happy birthday Miss Changhode !
Live long and prosper.
Yours,
Joel Johny K
